The Need to be Loved

By Bob Van Domelen

February 2010

 ³ Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,  where she may have her young—a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God. (Psalm 84.3)

      It was a difficult conversation—hard for the one who called and for me as well.  But the call was not all that unusual from others that have come to the ministry over the years.  In the first moments, however, I reminded myself that I could change nothing.  But I could listen.  I could also make sure that God was central to the conversation and I could trust that there would be something I could share that might help a little.

      After we both said “Goodbye and God bless you,” the situation had not been resolved but it had been shared.  And that, my friends, is really important.

      There is nothing simple about same-gender attraction, no simple formula that can be applied to all who struggle with those attractions. The seemingly endless variations people bring might fall into categories and sub-categories but from where I sit, these variations remind me that only God knows exactly what each individual needs.  And sitting on top of that list is the need to be loved.

      We come by that need naturally, being children of God, called to be one with God for eternity, loved to the point of Jesus dying on a cross so that an eternity of God’s incredible love might be ours.

      Along our journey of living, love becomes translated in ways we cannot understand.  As babies, most feel unrestricted love.  Then love becomes something to be earned, withheld when we fail, and sparingly given when we succeed.  The rules are not the same and the prize (love) gets redefined depending on who is bestowing it. Only God’s love is constant.

Confusing the Issue

      Perhaps you’ll have noticed that I have avoided any mention of sexual intimacy.  My reasoning is simple.  For a child, the purest forms of love were those experienced before love got complicated by things like earning it or adding a biological component.

      For some time now I have been arguing that the body often works independently of the mind. Pleasure to the body is neither right nor wrong.  It is just pleasure.  In the best context, pleasure between a man and a woman flows out of love and relationship.  Aha, some might be saying.  Gotcha!  If a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, isn’t sexual pleasure a fruit of that relationship?

      God’s word calls us to love one another in the same manner we are loved by God.  But not all love is meant to be sexualized.  If it were, there would be no boundaries set because all sexual contact coming as a result of perceived love would be appropriate. Unfortunately, many consider sexual attraction to be love.

Even the sparrow

      It doesn’t take long for all of this to be really complicated, so I won’t even attempt to satisfy everyone’s viewpoint.  What I think, however, is rather than to do that, I want to head in a different direction—simplicity.

      The sparrow has found a home; the swallow a nest.  It is a place near the altar of God.  The apostles, the early Christians, and those who have achieved eternal happiness found it, I believe, by seeking God and resting near the altar of His love.

      When I am in God’s will, when I listen for His voice, I act as I am meant to act.  I serve as Christ taught me to serve.  And I love without complication, without the definition of love so much as with the evidence of love.

      Such love is both appropriate and holy. It doesn’t demand anything nor does it need to meet my expectations.  Such love exceeds those expectations and as C.S. Lewis would suggest, it surprises me with its resulting joy.

      We all hunger for love and a need to be loved but I fear we are destined for disappointment when we seek it in one another before seeking it in God.  Like one offered water or food when thirsty or hungry, accepting what feels like love only produces temporary relief.

      “This is the one who understands me, who loves without reservation.  It must be good.  It must be of God!”  This is the human argument.  “We loved because He first loved us” are far better words for all who are seeking. (1 John 4.19)