By Bob Van Domelen
March 2010
3 Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will
hear when I call to him. 4 In your anger do not sin; when you
are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. 5 Offer
right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. (Psalm 4.3-5)
To be right
upfront, I grew up unsure of how to handle anger. The phrase “Don’t you get angry with me!”
spoken with deliberate focus, but no raise in my mother’s voice, rings easily
in my memory whenever my anger surfaces. I am pretty sure I read much more into
her statement than she meant it to carry, but what did I know. I was just a kid.
Over the years I
have shared a lot of different emotions in these newsletters. I have written about issues that have been
raised in the mail I get. But I cannot
recall writing about this topic. Is it
fear? Is it an uncertainty of what to
share? Whatever, anger is a valid
feeling demanding a valid response and I know that I am not alone in my
uncertainty as to how best to approach it.
In the January
issue of this newsletter (“Oaks of Righteousness”), I shared the problems many
of us have receiving good things because we somehow feel we have given up the
right to feel good. After all, that is
the underlying theme of community response whenever conversation includes the
topic of sex offenders.
There is also the
element of a need to be seen walking around in sackcloth, calling out “Unclean,
unclean.” From this comes the notion that sex offenders are the modern day
lepers. It is not an inaccurate description, at least from the public point of
view. A fair description though?
Absolutely not! The description portrays offenders as having done nothing to
change behaviors or thought patterns.
Left unchallenged, offenders become like the mug shots taken immediately
following an arrest—portraits that are rarely flattering and certainly not
inviting.
At some point, we
must be able to put on that garment of praise I mentioned in “Oaks” for it is a
garment that “bears the stain of human failing.” And because our sins created the stains, we
are all called to repent and seek
God, not just non-offenders. For it is, as I wrote, those things that become
the “cleansing agent” for the garments we wear.
I don’t believe
that all of Christian society denies salvation for sex offenders, but there
might be many who whisper “Well, if it were my
decision.” The anger of society is, I think, at its core rightly placed. Of all that we hold dear, children are at the
top of the list. To molest them and to
betray that sacred trust an adult has with a child is hard for anyone to
accept. When abuse happens, the result
is anger, a justifiable anger.
In your anger do not sin
Though it might
be difficult to convince some people, there is inappropriate anger directed at
sex offenders, an anger that does not allow for reconciliation or restoration.
It is rooted, I believe, in an inability to forgive and fueled by the sin of
abuse itself. “If I forgive the
offender,” some may reason, “then I am forgetting the harm done to the victim,
and that is something I will never do.”
Unresolved anger. I have
to ask myself “How is holding someone to their sin not sinful on my part?” Yet I know there are people in my past for
whom I still have deep resentment. They
wronged me, never said they were sorry, and left me to pick up the pieces of
myself that they deliberately shattered. When I think about this, I see those
who have not forgiven me in a different light, yet actually the same light. The
inability to forgive and to release another from the bond of a sinful behavior
is wrong. Period.
When you are on your beds, search
your hearts
Without a doubt,
those of us who have offended against God’s children should not be asked to
deny our own anger, especially if it is justifiable anger. I don’t have to look very far for things that
would make the list. Just using issues shared with me in letters, you would see
·
molested
as a child (“Who helped me?”)
·
absent
or abusive parents (“What does love look like?”)
·
churches
quick to condemn, slow to support (“You cannot be here because of the children
who attend.”)
·
programs
that deny offender childhood trauma (“This isn’t about you. It’s only about
your victims.”)
·
being
ineligible for any parole
·
denied
halfway houses (“Too close to places where children might congregate”)
·
residency
restrictions that refuse to account for any possibility of change despite
statistics that show low recidivism rates (“If we don’t do something, our city
will be a dumping ground of sex offenders”)
·
civil
commitment (clearly “Life without parole”)
The list could go on but the point is simple: Anger that
exists must find a healthy resolution.
Search your hearts and be silent
As a child, I was
taught “When you get angry, count to ten.”
David’s solution was much the same but better, I think, because counting
is only an alternative activity, something to do instead of fume. Somehow, I sometimes see God as placing a
finger to His lips and then going “Shhh.” My mouth opens, then closes. Silence.
One of the most
frustrating aspects of being silent is that I come face to face with a simple
truth: I can do nothing to change the heart of another.
I hear a
rustling. Could that be those who are
shouting “Stand up and fight! Take them
to court! Sue!”? I don’t disagree with the notion of righting
a wrong but shouldn’t that kind of action be taken because it is right to take
it? Should anger be the foundation of
the fight?
All I can tell
you is what I feel, and what I feel
is that righteous anger does not attack.
It resolves. Righteous anger
speaks, but it also listens.
I serve on a
committee that has been attempting to educate people. Residency restrictions are not a solution nor
do they protect anyone, so this committee has been speaking out to any who
would listen. We don’t do what we do
because we are angry over how offenders have been denied basic rights. We speak out because the restrictions are
wrong.
It has been over
21 years since I was released from prison, yet I am subject to the same
legislation that is faced by someone released now. Twenty one years should count for something
and when it doesn’t, I feel angry. When I am silent, though, I wonder about the
offender just released. Is it any more
just for that person to go through what is happening in many communities than
for me to be free of that just because of 21 years? The point is that the residency restrictions
are wrong. I don’t have to be angry to
know that, and I don’t have to be angry to serve on a committee.
Know that the Lord has set apart the
godly for himself;
the Lord will hear when I call to him
This is the first
verse but it really is the key. Despite the inequity of many situations, I
believe with all my heart that God does hear our plea. How things will be resolved or even if they
never get resolved should not alter how we deal with the anger they
produce. Anger is a good thing, a
motivator. But when we are consumed by
anger, it is a most destructive force.
Peace
I leave with you; My peace I give
to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be
troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14.27)